I Don't Want to Lose You Read online

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s how anyone in love should feel about the person that they love. You will do things for that person that you wouldn’t do for anyone else. Nathaniel has never struck me as the kind of man who would do that. That’s just my observation. You can give it whatever value that you want to give to it.”

  I stood there for a minute thinking about what he said before going into the house and it weighed upon my mind for the rest of the night.

  If I was what Theo wanted, my heart told me to give him what he asked for. The heart, however, is a deceptively, treacherous thing and didn’t always work to my benefit. I was at a fork in the road. Either I continued on with my life as it was before Theo was back in it or deviate and venture off in a whole other direction.

  CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

  The next day I had asked Nathaniel to meet me at a coffee house after I got out of school. I was already sitting at a table when he walked in. I knew what he liked to drink and had it ready for him. He sat down.

  “Hey,” he said after kissing me on the cheek. “You look tired.”

  “I am tired.”

  “So what’s up? I was worried at first when you said we needed to talk because that’s code for I did something stupid and I’m in trouble. But I haven’t done anything, so what’s going on?”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “I don’t think we’re good for each other. I don’t think we ever were.”

  “What?” He was taken off guard. “Where is this coming from? Things have been going good, hasn’t it?”

  “Perhaps, but not good enough for me anymore.”

  “Are you breaking up with me again?”

  I shook my head. “No, not this time. This time I’m leaving you and I’m not coming back.”

  “Monica, are you serious?’”

  “Very serious.”

  “I don’t believe this. I’ve been saving up to get you a ring because I thought you wanted to marry me.”

  I paused to compose myself because I knew where the conversation would go if I’d let it. “Then there’s no need to thank me for keeping you from wasting your money.” I got up. “I wish I could say it’s been fun.” I walked out.

  I could hear the music coming out of the garage when I arrived at Theo’s house. I was so exhausted but had to see him before I passed out in my bed. I went in and he stopped playing at the sight of me and rushed over to me.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m just pooped. I didn’t get any sleep last night.”

  “I’m sorry, babe.”

  “Yo me siento una hormiga muerta.” I distorted my face to look as if it had been smashed.

  He chuckled since I said that I felt like a dead ant. “You say the weirdest stuff in Spanish sometimes.” He led me outside of the garage for us to be able to talk in private.

  I took a deep breath to try to calm myself since my heart was beating faster than I had ever recalled it doing. “I love you and want to be your wife as soon as I can be. We’ve wasted enough time. So if you want to go to Vegas, Mexico, Justice of the Peace or wherever, let me know when and I’ll go.”

  “We can get in the car right now and drive to Vegas,” he said eagerly.

  “No, no we can’t. I’m too tired and might end up saying ‘I’m through’ instead of ‘I do.’ I better go home before I fall flat on my face.”

  “I’ll walk you to your car.”

  He held my hand as we walked to my car in silence. Finally he said, “This isn’t right.”

  “What? What are you talking about?” I prayed that he wouldn’t say anything that would require me to give it too much thought. My brain was running on fumes.

  “There’s an order to things and we’re out of order. Monica, will you be my girlfriend?”

  I chuckled. “I’d be honored.” I grabbed his hand and pulled up his pointer finger for the number one. I softly caressed his face and gave him a quick peck on the lips and then I got in the car and drove home.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR

  If my mother was right about him being the first to die within the first year, time was running low. December was coming to a close and time wasn’t on our side in more ways than one. Two days later I called in to work letting them know I wasn’t going to be in and drove Theo, Ralph and his new girlfriend Cecilia to Las Vegas. We had to head out early to make sure that we had time to get the marriage license and make our appointment at the Fast Lane Weddings Drive Thru. He was concerned that I might regret getting married in my car but I had to assure him that this was where I wanted to get married once I had learned of drive thru weddings. Besides, I didn’t really want to do the chapel thing like my parents did when they got married in Vegas. I had to do it my way with a burger and fries.

  Before we headed over to the drive thru, we stopped at the Rio Suites to eat at their buffet. Afterwards, we all went into the restrooms to change from our jeans to something more wedding appropriate. Even if it was a drive thru, jeans and a t-shirt weren’t okay with me. I wore a pale blue, strapless dress with a sweetheart neckline that I purchased the day before. It showed off Holly and Dolly quite nicely, but one wrong move and they would be putting on their own Vegas show. Rhinestones covered the bodice and it had an empire waist that flared to the end of the tea length dress. I took the ponytail that I was wearing down and brushed my curls to get the effect that I wanted. I did my makeup before I threw on my sparkling rhinestone earrings and bracelet. I was ready to get the show on the road.

  I walked out to see that everyone was waiting for me. I looked him up and down as he did the same to me. He looked handsome wearing a black suit and a matching fedora hat. When I reached him he said, “You look gorgeous.” He grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Like a Jessica Rabbit in blue.”

  “Thank you,” I cheekily said. “You look kind of hot yourself.”

  “Why thank you,” he said in the deepest voice he could find. He put his hand in his pocket and gave me a GQ pose.

  Ralph interrupted our moment with, “You guys, we better get out of here.” We all put our coats on.

  As we walked back to the car with my arm through his, he turned to me and quietly said, “I just realized that I’ve never kissed you.”

  I thought about it and he was right. Nothing more than my hand really. As I thought even more about it, I realized he had never kissed a girl at all from what I was aware of. “Did you want to practice or wait?”

  “You got yourself all done up and stuff. I don’t want to mess up your makeup. I’ll just wait.”

  “Are you sure? It’s just lipstick and I can put more on.” “Yeah, I’ll wait.”

  “Okay. Well when the time comes just open up a little bit and follow my lead to start and then I’ll follow you. Try to control your spit because that slobbering stuff is gross to me.” He nodded his head as though he was taking mental notes. “Make sure your jaw is slightly relaxed but not too much so I don’t feel like you’re about to eat me.”

  He nodded and chuckled. “Anything else?”

  I smiled at him. “Enjoy the moment.”

  The ceremony was very quick since we chose the cheapest package. We exchanged the wedding bands that I purchased at Kmart the day before. When it was time to kiss the bride, I saw the bobbling apple as he brought his face over to mine. He followed directions well and kissed me ever so sweetly. When we finished I smiled and said, “That was really nice. Are you sure that you haven’t done this before?”

  We took a few pictures and then went inside to use their restrooms to change so that we would be comfortable for the drive home. The excitement of what we had done made us feel as though we were flying high, totally ignorant of the bullets we would had to dodge once we got home to stay up in the air. We were married on December 30, 1998.

  CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

  People can surprise you if you let them. They can also deeply disappoint you too. Sometimes the ones you think would understand you and your situation the most end up treating you like you�
��re the world’s biggest imbecile because you’re no longer fitting into the mold that they had for you in their minds. Sometimes the ones that you are prepared to fight are the ones that take a stand with you and have your back. And sometimes the ones that you expect to act crazy don’t disappoint and they act crazy.

  During the ride home from Vegas we discussed that we would need to see if I could move in with his family. His father worked long hours Monday through Friday during the day to try to take care of the household and the medical expenses not covered by insurance. His mother got a new part time janitorial job working nights so that she could be available for Theo to take him to his doctor appointments. He had been speaking with his father about the possibility of me living there before he had the courage to tell me he wanted to get married. His father felt that if it would make him happy, a way would be found to make it work. I hadn’t known that Theo took my statement of checking with his parents about bringing me home literally.

  I had high hopes of things going smoothly at the Cabrera household because I had no hope of any type of support in my household. I hadn’t even told my family that Nathaniel and I were no longer together, which would be necessary to do to explain why I was now a married woman to someone else. Instead of having visions of love and congratulatory remarks, I had visions of yelling and throats being strangled. It was my recommendation that our families would be told individually by their child, not as a couple. Whether or not that was the right decision, I would never know. I just didn’t want anything offensive said to him.

  I had gotten off of work and wanted to go check on my husband. I stood at the door for a moment before knocking because it had seemed like yelling was going on inside but I wasn’t for sure. It wasn’t until after I rang the doorbell that I got confirmation. Manny opened the door and the loud voice of his mother became a little clearer.

  “Hi, Manny,” I greeted him. “How are you?”

  “I’m okay. Teodoro says you’re my sister now.”

  I nodded. “Yes I am and I couldn’t ask for a better little brother. I never had one before. Is everything all right in there?”

  “No. Mommy’s mad at my brother and she hates you.”

  Well, out of the mouths of babes. I didn’t expect for her to be upset since she knew who I was and always welcomed me when I would come to visit him. She was always polite when I called to speak with him. I guessed that I was fine for him to have as a friend but no more than that.

  Our conversation was interrupted by his father coming to see who was at the door. He forced a smile when he saw that it was me. He opened the screen door for me to come in. “So I hear you’re my daughter-in-law now?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Welcome to the family.” He gave me a big hug. “Please know that my home is now your home. You make my son very happy and I think you’re a very nice girl.”

  “Thank you, sir. Your son makes me very happy, too.”

  At that moment his wife came out of the kitchen and her face turned red at the sight of me. She turned around and went back in and started yelling in Spanish.

  “Some people need some time to get used to the idea,” he said to explain his wife’s behavior.

  “I understand.”

  “Come in and go to your husband. Teodoro is in his room.”

  We parted ways with him going to his wife in the kitchen and I headed to Theo. I could hear them speaking in Spanish and he told her to calm down and to be respectful of their son’s wife. She said that she didn’t have to and that I must be, if I translated correctly, a whore.

  I opened the door to his room to see him sitting at his desk reading a magazine with headphones on with his back to me. I tapped him to get his attention. He took his headphones off.

  “Hey. When did you get here?” He got up from his chair, gave me a peck on the lips and started straightening up his bed.

  “I’ve been here long enough to know what your mom thinks of me.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Is she still going on about this? I had to come in here and put the headphones on so that I could stop hearing her voice. She keeps saying the same thing over and over as though it’s going to change anything. I didn’t think she was going to react like this.”

  “Well, your dad is being very nice about it. Maybe we just need to give her time to come to terms with it.”

  His mother walked into the hallway still going off in Spanish. She then called me a derogatory word that caused me to twinge. Then she used a racial slur and I said “Ouch” because I felt like I was punched in the gut.

  He jumped up. “That’s it.” He opened the door and blocked her from being able to walk back to the kitchen. “Stop calling her names. She speaks Spanish, Mom, and she understood everything you’ve been saying about her. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me.”

  “I can be mad at her, too. It takes two people to get married,” she responded.

  “Why don’t you want me to be happy?” he asked.

  “I do want you to be happy but I want to be happy about you being happy. I’m not happy with how you did things. You didn’t tell us anything and you just left to another state and got married without me being able to see you. What if something had happened to you?”

  “I would have gone to the doctor out there. They have hospitals out there, too. And I was only gone for several hours, not days. Are you mad that I got married? Or are you mad that I got married to her?”

  “You’re too young and too ill to be married.”

  “Mom, I’ll never be too old or too well to be married either. It’s now or never and I choose now.”

  She hugged him after sighing. “I’m sorry. You’re still my little boy in my heart even if you’re a young man.”

  He tried to whisper, “Can you apologize to her?”

  She sighed again and slowly walked towards the room. It took a minute before I saw her walk into the room.

  “Ma’am,” I started as I put my hand up, “it’s okay. I understand your feelings and concerns and we didn’t think about everyone else and their feelings.” I looked at him and continued. “We were selfish in how we handled things. We just paid attention to how we felt about each other and what we wanted to do about it, but we should have handled it differently.” I looked back at her. “I’m sorry about that.”

  “I’m sorry too, Mom,” he added on.

  She smiled. “It’s okay. Come give me a hug.”

  I got up off of the bed and went to hug her.

  “Do you like enchiladas?” she asked me. “I’m making them for dinner.”

  “I love them and can’t wait to taste them.”

  She gave a smile, which I could not decipher as being genuine or not, and walked back into the kitchen.

  Theo came back into the room and closed the door looking dazed. “Where were you two to three hours ago? She could have gone off about you then and this could have happened and we could have been spared her noise pollution.”

  “Sometimes a woman just needs to be told that she’s right or has a valid point to feel that she has been heard in order for her to calm down,” I said.

  “But she wasn’t completely right.”

  “I never said that our way of thinking was right. I’m just saying that’s the way it is.”

  “You’re right.”

  “Very good. This marriage might actually last if you keep that up.” I winked at him.

  During dinner, we were able to tell them about the wedding and show them the pictures that we took on my camera that I had gotten developed and the professional one taken by the drive thru wedding photographer. Theo walked with me outside to my car as I needed to head to my parents’ home.

  “When are you going to stay here with me for good?”

  “Love, we just got married yesterday and we just got you good with your family over here. I need to talk to my family and make it good over there before I can feel comfortable with being here. Let me take care of this tomorrow, okay?”

&n
bsp; He nodded and then leaned into kiss me. Finally, he pulled back. “Sorry. I’m just trying to get enough to hold me until tomorrow. When you come back tomorrow, it’s to stay, right?”

  “Yes, I promise.”

  With that, he let me go.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  The next morning I found my mother making breakfast in the kitchen and my dad at the table reading the newspaper. My sister was still sleep, which was perfect for me to keep her two cents out of my business.

  “Mom, Dad. I need to talk to you about some things. It’s really important.”

  My dad put his paper down and said “Pull up a chair, teddy bear.”

  I sat down and took the deepest breath I had ever taken.

  My dad rubbed my shoulder. “It can’t be that bad. That is unless you’re pregnant.”

  I shook my head. “Oh no, things have to happen for that to happen and that has not been happening.”

  He breathed a sigh of relief. “Then it can’t be that bad.”

  I smiled. “You’re absolutely right, Dad. It’s not that bad or even bad at all. I’m no longer with Nathaniel.”

  “Hallelujah,” my dad proclaimed.

  My mom asked, “What happened? Wasn’t he talking marriage?”

  “Yes, he was but I wasn’t really.”

  “I’m sure whatever it is you two can work it out,” she said.

  “No, Mom, there won’t be any working it out. There won’t be any getting back together. It’s all over with him. I actually went to Vegas two days ago and got married to someone else.” I raised my hand for them to see the wedding band.

  “What?” my dad asked. “Married to whom?”

  “His name is Teodoro Cabrera, but I call him Theo.”

  “Denise did something just like this on the Cosby Show,” my mother said probably after having the name Theo as a trigger. “Is she your role model right now or something?”