I Don't Want to Lose You Read online

  “I’m tired, but I’m glad to be home. Have a seat.” I grabbed his desk chair and brought it over next to his bed and sat down. “You could have sat on the bed. I don’t have cooties.”

  “I’m trying to give you some personal space.” I knew if I was him and had tubes and needles and stuff on me and in me, I wouldn’t want anything or anyone touching me.

  He rolled his eyes.

  “Why don’t you have a hospital bed? Wouldn’t that be more comfortable for you?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “I didn’t want one.”

  “Really? Why not? I think it would be cool to play with.”

  He grinned. “I can play with them enough when I’m in the hospital. There’s only so much of the hospital that I want to bring into my room.”

  I smiled back at him once I realized that the bed would be another reminder that he wasn’t living the life of a regular, ordinary nineteen year old male.

  “So what do you have planned this evening?” he asked.

  “Hmm… Nothing really. I think I’m going to eat dinner and then watch one of my favorite movies, The Wedding Singer. I love Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler and the fact that they are in a movie together about the 80s with great music is like a big, fat gift to me.”

  “You and your 80s.” He shook his head. “You want to watch it with me? You can go get it and we can watch it in here on my TV.”

  I thought about it for a second. It would be nice to watch it with someone since my repetitive viewing of the movie had fostered hatred for it by my family and Nathaniel. Not to mention I would be giving Theo companionship and keeping his mind off of self pity.

  I gave a smile as big as a little, rich girl who just received a pony that she’d been asking her daddy for. “That’s an awesome idea, dude. Let me go home and change and I’ll be back. Do you want me to bring anything back?”

  He shook his head and answered, “Just you.”

  I went home to change and ate what my mom had sitting out for dinner. I was so excited to watch my movie with someone that I practically inhaled my dinner. I was back at the Cabrera residence within twenty minutes. As I entered his room, I saw that he had a couple of water and juice bottles for us to drink. He had put a hat on and his glasses. It appeared a little tidying up had taken place. Even more peculiar, I noticed a piece of furniture was missing.

  “Where’s the chair?” I asked. He shrugged his shoulders and feigned a look of ignorance. “Yeah right.” I shook my head as he chuckled.

  As I walked over to the television to put the movie in, I noticed that the wall adjacent to it was filled with pictures. Most of them appeared to have been taken during our senior year. Here were all the people who had meant something to him with only a handful being in town to be around him now. More than anyone else, there were quite a few of me with his arms around my shoulder. There were a few of me from when I had agreed to be his model for his assignment. I stared at his face in one of the pictures of us on graduation day. The zest for life that young man had and his readiness to take on the world was undeniably seen in his eyes. I even saw the pictures he developed and showed me in the dark room. I realized I had better stop looking at the wall before I emotionally couldn’t handle it.

  I pressed play and turned around and said, “Be warned, this is a bootlegged copy to hold me until it comes out on video so excuse the extra noise.” I looked around. “Where am I supposed to sit?” All he had for a comfortable seating option was the queen sized bed he was on.

  He patted a spot next to him. “There’s plenty of room right here.”

  I sat down next to him and reached over and took his hat off and threw it to the other side of the room. “You don’t need that. It’s just me.” I rubbed the back of his head. “You actually look nice bald.”

  Suddenly the pulsating sounds of the song “You Spin Me” came on and I got my groove on from the beginning to the very end of the movie. Manny had even stopped in a couple of times to show his moves to the songs that grabbed his attention from his room next door.

  “How many times have you seen this movie?” he asked when it was over. “You could do a one woman show of it. You know every single word.”

  I shrugged. “I stopped counting after forty two.” Really, I had.

  “I had fun watching you.”

  “And I had fun watching it with you. You better hope someday you can dance as well as your brother.”

  “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen,” he said. “Start it over again and maybe I’ll show you.”

  I smiled as I gently stroked his cheek. “You don’t have to watch it again. I don’t want to make you suffer more than you already have.”

  He put his hand over mine, which made me hold his face in my hand. “If you’d like to see it again, then so do I. Go on and restart it.”

  I gave him a look that clearly asked if he was sure, in which he responded with a nod. I did as I was told and sat next to him to, once again, indulge in the music and fashion of a beloved decade.

  By the time the movie was over, it was late and I needed to go home to rest for school the following morning. After I threw the empty bottles out and got my things together I told him I would call him in a couple of days to check in on him.

  He said, “You can call me everyday if you want. You can even come by everyday, too.” I gave him a smile, pleased that he had enjoyed my company as much as I had enjoyed his.

  I told him to think about a movie he would like us to watch the next week and we could do it again. I believe it made him happy to have something else to have to think about that could occupy his mind and it gave him something to look forward to. And he knew that I would be coming back.

  CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

  I found myself starting to spend a lot more time with Theo and I was barely missing Nathaniel. A group of Theo’s friends were heading to the Santa Monica Pier to just hang out. I told him I would meet them there after I was done with work. I changed out of my work clothes into jeans and a sweater before leaving the office. I found where they were and joined them. I said hello to everyone and went over to Theo.

  “So you’re feeling good today I see,” I said joyfully.

  “I could be better, but I’m okay.”

  It wasn’t what he said but how he said it that told me something else was going on. “You got something on your mind?”

  “Yeah.”

  I slowly asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He looked around and then told Edgar we would be by the water. We walked to the water in silence and leaned on the pier’s railing. I was getting nervous about what he was going to say. I looked at his face and could see him deep in thought.

  “Theo, what is it?”

  “I’m trying to figure out where to start.”

  “Just start somewhere.” He was making me nervous.

  He looked out at the water and I was able to see from his profile the bobbling taking place in his throat. “What’s going on with you and Nathaniel?” he asked.

  Uh oh.

  “The same stuff that’s been going on. Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it stinks. And sometimes I don’t know why I’m still with him.”

  “So what am I to you?”

  “You’re my friend.” I didn’t understand where he was going to know what he wanted me to say.

  He turned to look at me. “No, I’m not and you know it. I have friends and never once have I felt the same way about them as I feel about you. I don’t want my friends like I want you. I don’t love my friends like I love you. I don’t need my friends like I need you. You’re not even in the same category.”

  Whoa! I bit my bottom lip as I tried to figure out how to respond.

  He continued on. “I sat by for two years waiting for you to dump him for good. I know all about your off and on stuff. But by the time I’d find out you were off, you two would be back on again. Do you know how hard it is to be on Team Monica for two years and never getting a chance to be up at bat?
”

  “Wait, you kept pushing me off for another five years. Not one time did you say anything about wanting me then,” I responded defensively.

  “You’re right. I did because I thought that was the smartest thing to do for the both of us to make sure that we got our degrees. You have no idea how badly I wanted you then and I still do. But I probably don’t have another five years.”

  “Don’t say that,” I said gently.

  “Monica, let’s not pretend. I don’t have five years, I just have now and I want you now.”

  I let out a deep breath because it seemed like I was holding it the whole time. I had a mixture of feelings going on. I was being called out for something that he willingly and knowingly participated in. I never hid the existence of Nathaniel and our relationship. But it had been a while since he spoke with that kind of boldness and I found it alluring.

  “So then what have I been to you?” I asked.

  He looked at me as if I had “stupid” written on my forehead. “The girl of my dreams. What else could you have been?”

  “Theo, what was it that we were doing last year? What was that?”

  “It was me pining for your attention like a little dog under the table waiting for some crumbs.”

  “Ouch,” I said to try to disguise how much that stung. “I never treated you like that. I adored you then and still do now.”

  “I more than adore you.”

  “Then what is it that we’ve been doing?” I asked again.

  “We’ve been pretending that Nathaniel doesn’t exist. Why is he even in the picture when you don’t want him? You want me. Every time I’m close to you I can feel it.”

  I had to let that soak in for a moment to see if there was any ring of inaccuracy to it.

  “No one else said that they wanted me at that time,” I said softly.

  He looked frustrated with me. “So since I didn’t say anything, you were going to just go on and stay with him? How long was it going to take you to come to your senses?”

  I put my head down, ashamed at my own weakness for tolerating treatment out of fear of being alone.

  He lifted my chin up. “I want to marry you now, Monica,” he truthfully stated.

  My eyes bulged out of their sockets. “I’m sorry, what?” This wasn’t how I had expected to receive my first marriage proposal and not who I thought it would have come from.

  He enunciated, “I want to marry you.” That’s what I thought he said. He continued, “You’ve known this was in my plan. I never hid that from you. I think you wanted to be with me too. You never said that you didn’t want to be my wife when I said that you would be. Can you honestly say that you never wanted to be with me?”

  I thought for a second and honestly answered, “No, I can’t.”

  “Well, here’s your chance and it might not come again.”

  “And if I don’t take it?”

  He shrugged. “Then we both lose.”

  “Wow. I wasn’t expecting this.”

  “Let me ask you something. How many boyfriends have you had?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think I would need a full hand to count. Three or four maybe.”

  “Forget a hand. I would not need fingers to count. It would be nice before I die to get the one I always wanted.”

  “Dude, that’s below the belt. You’re really milking that sympathy card.”

  He grinned and said, “I got to use what works. I’m a politician, remember? That’s what I got going for me right now. When you’re up against an ogre, you got to use what you can to get to the princess.”

  I turned my head away to stare off into the ocean hoping it would remove some of the sudden stress I felt upon my shoulders. He moved over to get behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and put his chin on my shoulder. To feel the warmth of his breath in my ear, the heat of his body against me and his arms around me made me feel comfortable and at home. It was as if I was wrapped in a warm blanket sitting in front of a fire sipping hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night.

  “I’d wait for you forever if I could,” he whispered in my ear.

  Whatever defenses I could have possibly had up were completely and irreversibly down.

  That night I couldn’t sleep no matter what I tried to do. So then I decided, instead of trying to fight thinking about it, face it head on and maybe that would allow me to get some sleep. I had to go to school the next morning. I made a list of the pros and cons of being with both of them. Even with the cons of no job, no money and dying being on Theo’s side, he was still able to beat out Nathaniel in both sides of the list. In the midst of my contemplation, I had a revelation and a realization, with neither one being easier to face than the other.

  The revelation was that I was a cheater. I had never thought that I would be one nor did I equate my actions with being unfaithful, but essentially I was. And although I hadn’t done anything sexually, I had cheated on Nathaniel emotionally and a few times physically by holding Theo’s hand or putting my arms around him. Even touching his face the way that I had, not to mention that one congratulatory kiss on the cheek after the talent show. Granted, we weren’t always together when I did some of those things, but it didn’t change the fact that I still did them.

  Nathaniel was not innocent in all of this either. If anything, he was the cause. He wanted to do whatever he wanted to do and, when there was a need for me, I was to drop everything and be there. There wasn’t a need for me when he went to his homecoming or prom. He found other female classmates to go with because “it would be his last time to do something with them” or some other lame excuse. These actions accounted for our on again off again relationship. I tolerated the multiple times he told me that he had to go meet with his female college tutor to assist him with his homework when deep down I knew something else was up. He never made me feel like I was in first place. Or second, third or fourth.

  One time, my father was able to get three complimentary tickets to a concert at the last minute and I called Nathaniel to tell him the news and that we needed to find one more person. He ignored that I was dressed up when he came to the door and told me that he thought it would be best if he and his two friends went who were already waiting in his car. So I gave him the tickets because I didn’t want to cause a scene and I wasn’t a big fan of the singer as it was. I proceeded to tell him the next day that we needed a break.

  It wasn’t until after my graduation, when I was missing Theo, that I asked him whether he truly wanted to be with me or not. He had said that he did. In trying to make sense of his history with me, I inquired whether he desired an open relationship. That question did something to him because he suddenly started to put actual effort into us. But just like an inexperienced runner takes off at full speed and eventually starts to slow down, so did his efforts.

  And so I cheated, I guess. I knew how to flirt and was pretty good at it. I was fully aware of when I was flirting and I didn’t have to put myself into that mode with Theo. I didn’t feel as though I needed to for him to be attracted to me. I had someone who treated me the way I thought I should have been treated. I would like to think if Theo would have said something to express that he wanted to be with me sooner than what he had always spoken of, I would have left Nathaniel. Like a married woman who was waiting for her long time lover to tell her he was ready to take her away from her horrible marriage, I was awaiting my freedom. Freedom to feel loved, to give love and be loved. Then again, perhaps my lover was waiting for me to say that I was leaving my husband for him.

  The realization that I had made was that, when I thought about it, Nathaniel was not in a single one of my happy thoughts or memorable moments. They were entirely enveloped in Theo. I told him things that Nathaniel had no clue about. The times that I felt special didn’t generate from Nathaniel. It was sad to think of all of the time that was wasted on him.

  I didn’t want to say yes to Theo for the wrong reasons, which required much thought. I knew there would be doubt
ers and naysayers who would think and say that I only married him because he was sick. While that was the reason why I would do it sooner than preferred, it wouldn’t be the reason why I would do it. I considered whether lust or sexual desire had anything to do with it. The truth was I had never lusted after him despite how I may have said some things to him in the past. If having sex was an issue, I could have knocked that out with Nathaniel a long time ago. I did think that Theo and I had an unspoken passion for each other and it would be nice to finally unleash it, but I would have to be realistic about my expectations due to his condition.

  There was so much to ponder over, however the time to do it was winding down. My brain told me that I needed to be reasonable. If I did it, so much could go wrong despite the intentions behind it and I could get screwed.

  Marrying Theo wasn’t a matter of trying to be a good person. It was more of giving into my heart to get someone that I felt was deserving of me and me of him. It was more about taking a chance to see if I could experience happiness with someone who actually cared. He was someone who I had realistically envisioned as my husband when he first said he had wanted to be months before. But I was able to see it in the future. Way in the future to allow us more time to get where we wanted to be before it was time for that commitment. That time, though, was not promised to either one of us, him especially.

  One of the things that helped me to make up my mind was a conversation that my father had with me about a month before. I had been out with Nathaniel and he dropped me off at home. My dad was outside watering the lawn and he asked me how my date went.

  “It was alright, I guess. We just went to see a movie he wanted to see,” I answered.

  “I thought you had wanted to see some other movie that just came out.”

  “I still do, but he wasn’t interested since it’s a chick flick.”

  “It doesn’t sound to me like you were interested in seeing his choice either, but you did.”

  “I wasn’t, but it is called compromise.”

  “I know all about compromising after being married as long as I have. Just make sure you’re not the one who is always doing it,” he warned. “You know that song ‘What You Won’t Do for Love’ by Bobby Caldwell?”