I Don't Want to Lose You Read online

I would tell them that they would not see me there. When they would ask me why, I would honestly tell them that their import in my life would most likely expire on this day. The reality was, of my twenty closest friends, if I had that many, not a single one was going to the same school as I was. More than half of them were going to school out of state and at least half of the remaining ones were going to school in Northern California. Sonya and Theo would have each other in Berkeley at least.

  Every time that I would start on my “I don’t need you in my life after graduation” speech, Theo would tell me that I would have to come to the reunion.

  “You have to come,” he would say. “If I can’t find you before then, I need to know that I can take you from there.”

  “You’re so full of it. What if you’re married with kids?” I’d always ask.

  “She’ll be a temporary stand in until I have the real deal within reach. Any kids can be replaced by ours.”

  “And what if I’m married? Then what?”

  “If you show up with Nathaniel or someone else, I’ll kindly ask him to go get a drink for us while we catch up. When he leaves to get the punch, I’m kidnapping you.”

  “You got it all planned out, huh?”

  “Yep, just waiting for the right time to execute it and make you mine.”

  There were times when I would think about his reunion plan and wonder if I would go or not. I wouldn’t go for all of the reasons I told everyone. I would go to see if, in ten years, he still wanted me and where he was in the stream of his goals. I wouldn’t go to avoid the disappointment of him not being there or my having to go home with whom I came with.

  I walked to the school in my cap and gown for what would be my last time as a student. I had all of my stuff on representing the honor roll and National Honor Society. Truth be told, the only reason I joined NHS was to make sure I wasn’t wearing a plain cap and gown to my graduation. It just so happened that the first NHS meeting I attended since being in high school ended with my being the President of it. I had my camera in hand and took pictures of everybody.

  When Theo found me, which was only a matter of time, there was hardly a picture he would take without me being next to him and his arm around my shoulders. We took quite a few group pictures. As it was time to start getting in line to begin the procession, he ran over to me and said, “One for the road?”

  I gave a huge grin and massaged his facial hair. I noticed that he had two medallions he was wearing. I quickly went into a pout. “It seems like everyone has a medallion and I don’t. That stinks.”

  He quickly took one off and began putting it on me. “Here, wear this one.”

  “No, no. I’m just whining, but I know I wasn’t in the top five in those classes to deserve to get one.”

  “Wear it anyway. It would mean more to me to know this is with you than for me to wear it.”

  “Okay. If you’re sure.”

  “I’m sure. I’m going to miss you, you know?”

  I smiled, gave him a hug and told him that I would miss him also. I straightened up everything that he was wearing to make sure that he was looking his best. He ran back to his spot in line with the rest of the top ten students and the graduation began.

  When it was all over, Nathaniel found me and walked me home to where I was having a small party with a few family members and friends. With that, I packed up everything from the past twelve years-every picture, note, thought, report card, memory-and put them in a box taped shut and in the attic. Life had moved on.

  PART THREE

  Life Takes a Turn

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  I had started going to college full time as a business major and working part time as a receptionist at an ad agency in downtown Los Angeles. I was quite busy but I managed to make some time every week to spend with Nathaniel. Things were going as well as they had been when we first got together and the “m” word kept being brought up by him.

  It was Thanksgiving weekend and I was in my room watching Facts of Life reruns when my phone rang. It was Sonya and she was back at home visiting her family. We caught up on what we were doing and how life had changed when she dropped the bomb on me.

  “Have you seen Teodoro?” she asked.

  “He’s up there in Berkeley with you. How would I have seen him?”

  “No, he’s been back in the Wood for the past two months. I would have thought that you would have seen him, especially since he lives about five blocks away from you.” I didn’t even know he lived that close to me but I should have since he went to Washington Elementary which was right around the corner.

  “What happened? That would mean he went to school for a week or two.”

  “He did. He had to leave because he has cancer.”

  “What?” I almost dropped the phone. I just kept shaking my head. “You’re making that up. No, he doesn’t. He can’t. He’s too young.”

  “Well, he can and he does. It’s in his heart. I don’t know if he’ll be coming back. You really didn’t know? I thought everybody knew. That’s all they’ve been talking about.”

  “No, Sonya,” I yelled, “I did not know.” The very few old classmates that I had run into since graduation may or may not have heard, but no one said a word to me.

  The conversation soon ended and my brain began to attack me with a barrage of words and scenes of him as I remembered him. Tears started to flood down my face and I had to go to the bathroom to get tissues. On my way back to my room my mother saw me.

  “What’s wrong, Mon?” she asked.

  I hated talking when I’m emotional because I can never be understood. I tried to calm my heart rate down and control my breathing to answer. “I just found out that a classmate from high school has cancer.”

  She came over to give me a hug. “I’m sorry dear. With every class there always seems to be the first one within a year from graduation. I’m sorry it has to be someone you know.”

  Forget someone I know, I thought. This was someone I loved.

  “Mom, what do you mean the first one within a year?”

  “The first one to die,” she answered in a matter of fact way. She went on to talk about what happened to a guy from her class, her sisters’ and brother’s class and my dad’s class but I wasn’t listening. I tuned her out when she said that Theo would be dead in less than a year. I had started crying because of what he and his family were going through. Death wasn’t a thought until that moment.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  A couple of weeks after hearing the news, I was walking toward my car with my sister from the grocery store. We had errands to run and I didn’t have enough time to do them all. I had dinner plans with Nathaniel later. As I was putting bags into the trunk I heard my name. I turned around to see Ralph. He put on a big smile and walked back to an old, blue pick up truck and said something to the driver. Ralph started walking toward me and behind him was Theo.

  “Hi Ralph.” I gave him a hug as he said it was good to see me.

  Theo put his arms around me, picked me up and spun me around for what seemed like forever. He put me down and hugged me so hard that I thought he was going to break a rib. “I missed you so much,” he said.

  “I missed you too,” I said. Even though life had kept me occupied, I had missed him.

  He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet to show me his driver’s license for me to see how he looked hairless. “Look, I don’t have any hair anymore.” He was wearing a worker cap backwards to cover his baldness. “You know I’m sick.”

  I finally looked at him in his face. Not a single hair. No eyebrows, no goatee, no sideburns. “I just heard, honey, and I was so sorry to hear that.” I didn’t know what to say as I had never been in this position before. “You look good.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes you do! Hair is just hair and it’s not impossible to get some back.” I reached up and touched his face the way I used to massage his facial hair. “This is just what has been underneath it. Yo
u’re still just as handsome.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment soaking in the feeling of my caressing his bare face. His enjoyment was interrupted by my sister reminding me that we had to go. He said, “Since I’m back in town, we should get together sometime.”

  “Yeah, that would be cool.” I pulled out some paper and a pen from my purse and wrote my number down twice. “You claimed before that you didn’t have a legit number for me. Well, here it is.” I handed a piece of paper to Theo. “Here, Ralph, just in case he loses it or chickens out on calling me.”

  Ralph took the paper and asked, “If you’re not busy tomorrow night, do you want to go to a bonfire with us in Huntington Beach?”

  “You know what? I’m not busy. How about I follow you there? What time are you leaving?”

  Ralph looked at Theo. “What? About five?” Ralph asked Theo. Theo nodded.

  “Okay. Stop by my house and I’ll jump in my car to follow. I really got to go, but it was so good to see you two. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I waved goodbye, jumped into my car, drove to another parking lot and wiped the tears off of my face.

  The next night at the beach had a rough start. I brought a bag full of goodies like hot dogs, soda and candy since I didn’t know what anyone else was bringing. When we arrived, I saw that Puppy and his girlfriend were there along with Theo’s band mates Jonas and Edgar with their guests. I let out an old comforter a little ways away from the fire and sat down.

  “You’re blanket looks more comfortable than the one we brought,” Ralph said. “Can we sit on yours?”

  “Sure,” I said. I was hoping someone would sit with me so that I would not feel isolated around a group of people that I had lost connection with. I turned to Theo and asked, “How are you feeling today?”

  “I’m fine, thanks,” he said dryly.

  I wasn’t expecting his response to be that way. He wasn’t saying much of anything and that wasn’t like the Theo I knew. I thought maybe he was having a bad day and wasn’t in the mood for talking. That happens to all of us and probably him more so than the rest of us.

  I sat there for almost an hour listening to everyone talk and laugh while the person that I mainly had come to see hadn’t said more than three words to me. He got up and went to the restroom. I felt this was the perfect time to talk to Ralph.

  “Ralph, why did you invite me here?”

  “For you and Theo to catch up.”

  “How are we supposed to catch up if he’s not even talking to me, let alone looking at me?”

  “I think he’s really nervous about seeing you again. Or you seeing him.”

  “Why? It’s just me.”

  “That’s why. Because it’s you. He didn’t act like this when others came to visit with him.”

  “Visit him when?”

  “When he was in the hospital and since he’s been home.”

  “How long has that been?”

  “For about a couple of months now.”

  “Really, Ralph? Why am I starting to suddenly feel like everyone else knew, but no one bothered to tell me?”

  “I wanted to tell you, trust me. You have no idea how glad I am that we ran into you. I thought you out of all people should know. But he said that he didn’t want you to know. He’s my best friend and I had to respect that even if I didn’t understand why.”

  “What? Why?” My feelings were hurt. I had thought he would have thought enough of me to want to let me know.

  “Monica, you would have to ask him. Look, yesterday in the parking lot, that was the happiest I’ve seen him in a long time. All he did was smile the rest of the time that I was with him and talk about you. I hadn’t seen him be so happy to see someone since he’s been back. That was why I asked you to come. I was hoping him being around you and you casting whatever spell on him that you had over him would mash together and make him happy like he was yesterday. He’s had a rough time.” He stopped talking because Theo was approaching.

  I tried to quickly let all of the information that I just received marinate in my brain to figure out how to turn the evening around. He couldn’t have changed too much in a few months so I had an idea of what to try. I stood up and walked over to Theo. “Would you mind walking with me? I want to find a bench or something to watch the sunset.”

  “Okay,” he said, not even looking at me.

  I was at my breaking point. “Teodoro, don’t do this to me.”

  He finally looked me in my eyes. “Do what?”

  “Do what?” I began to yell. “You will barely look at me. I’ve been here for over an hour and you won’t even talk to me. If you didn’t want me here, you could have called me and said so. You have my number. I would have stayed home. If you still don’t want me around, just say the word and I’ll go with no hard feelings. But don’t treat me like this.”

  After a moment of silence, he grabbed my hand and kissed it. “Mi amorcito. Lo ciento,” he said apologizing. “Come on.” We started walking towards a bench, but I fell a little behind since I hated walking in the sand. He grabbed my hand and said, “Walk beside me, not behind me.” He let go once we were able to walk on concrete. We continued walking in silence until we sat down on the bench.

  “It’s a nice day. A little cold. I love watching the sunset over the ocean.” I was trying to start a conversation.

  He just nodded.

  “You know what, Theo? Why don’t we just get it out so we can get past whatever this awkwardness is? What is it that you need to say to me?”

  He hesitated before he asked, “Why did it take running into you at the store for you to see me? You said you had heard that I was sick, but you didn’t do anything about it. ”

  “Are you serious? Theo, you’re the one to blame for that. If I was at fault, I would admit it, but this is all you. Why wouldn’t you want anyone to tell me? I thought I was your friend. You used to talk about one day marrying me for goodness sake, but I’m not important enough to notify about your being sick? Not to mention that you’re back at home now. You’ve been here, a few blocks away from me, while I’m thinking you’re on the other side of the state and you didn’t say anything. I know that you’re sick, but you could have had Ralph say something. That hurts. I just found out two weeks ago, if that long. Everybody else has had the privilege of knowing and had more time to learn how to cope with the news. I just got hit with it and I’m trying to deal, okay?”

  He put a big grin on his face. “Okay.”

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It’s been a long time since you’ve gone off on me like that. I was waiting for you to put on some Vaseline and take off your earrings. And then that neck rolling thing you do.” He tried to do it, but failed miserably.

  “Well, I’d like to think I’ve changed since then,” I said in a calmer tone.

  “Not by much, I hope. I liked that there was some sauciness in you.”

  We missed the sun actually setting and caught each other up. I told him about school and work. He told me how he moved into the dorm at Berkeley and after a few days of being there he started having chest pains. The chest pains made them do more tests to find the cancer. He stopped his treatments about three weeks ago and had been trying to rest. His heart caused him to go to the hospital once in a while.

  He sighed deeply before saying, “I’m sorry, Monica. I should have said something to you or had someone tell you. I guess what little pride I still have got in the way.”

  I reached out and held his hand.

  “I miss my hair,” he continued. “You know I loved it. I know you loved it. Now it’s gone. I didn’t want for you to have to see me like this.”

  “Theo, I can’t tell you how to feel, but it’s just hair. It’s not your nose, your ear, your hand or your foot. It’s just hair. I will admit that I did love touching it. But this,” I started to rub his cheek, “this is as soft as a baby’s bum.” I started to remove my hand, but he grabbed it to make it stay there.

  He closed his eyes and savored th
e moment. “I’ve missed your fingers. Can I take them home?”

  “Sorry, but I’m afraid they’re attached to my body and I need them for work.”

  He opened his eyes. “Then can I take you home?”

  I chuckled. His question made me think of Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam’s song. “Run that past your parents and then come talk to me.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

  I was calling to check in on Theo about every two to three days. I didn’t want to get on his nerves or those of his parents. One day after I got off of work I decided that I wouldn’t call, I would just go over to see how he was feeling. His mother let me in and said that he was resting since they just got back from the hospital a few hours ago. He had to go in due to fluid building up and he was kept a couple of days for observation. I told her that I didn’t want to disturb him since he was resting, but she said he needed to see someone other than doctors and her in his face. She walked me to his door and lightly knocked, told him he had company and excused herself.

  Every time that I had seen him up until that moment he had his head covered. I was momentarily taken aback to see his bald head in person, as I had already seen it on his license. He looked a tad weak and tired. He turned his head and opened his eyes and mustered a smile.

  “Hi,” I greeted him as I slowly walked over to his bed.

  He started trying to get himself to sit up. I put my purse down to help him and fluff his pillows. “I never had a nurse that dressed as nice as you.”

  “I just came from work and wanted to check on you. I didn’t know that you were in the hospital. When I talked to you the other day you said that you were doing fine.” I stopped fussing over him and looked him in the eyes. “Were you doing fine?” He took a hard swallow and there went that bobbling Adam’s apple. “Don’t do that to me.”

  “For the record, I went to the hospital after we spoke. I didn’t want you to be worried.”

  “I’m a big girl. I may get emotional sometimes, but I think I can handle it. How are you feeling now? Is there anything I can get you?”