I Don't Want to Lose You Read online

  “No, Mom. I went to school with Theo. I don’t know if you remember me introducing him to you at one of the awards ceremonies that you all came to in my senior year.”

  My dad frowned. “I can only remember one person that you introduced us to. He was a Mexican guy with glasses.”

  I smiled. “That was him, Daddy.”

  “I’m still confused,” my mother started. “As far as I’m concerned, you were just with Nathaniel and about to get married.”

  “Mom, he has to propose for us to get engaged for us to be close to getting married. He didn’t propose.”

  “That was coming soon,” she said. “His mother and I had been planning your engagement party. We just needed that detail to be taken care of. Oh my. This could be why his mother hasn’t returned my calls in the past few days. When did you break up?”

  “I don’t know, a few days ago I guess,” I answered. “I don’t remember because it’s not important to me anymore.”

  “How can you marry someone you barely know days after breaking up with a boyfriend you’ve had for almost two years?” she asked.

  “You know what? I am about to get so real with you two right now that I hope you can handle it. Although I am not the only guilty person from that relationship with Nathaniel, I had kind of sort of unofficially been with Theo too I guess you could say maybe for the past year or so, except over summer break and when he was at school in Berkeley.”

  “Why isn’t he in school anymore?” my mom asked. “Was he kicked out? Is he really a gang banger or into drugs and the school found out?”

  “Are you kidding me? I hope those were not serious questions because I would think you would know that I have better judgment than that. He didn’t get kicked out. He’s not a gang banger. But yes, he does do quite a few drugs because he has heart cancer. He’s very intelligent and sweet and I love him. There is no comparison of him to Nathaniel in how he makes me feel. As long as he’s still breathing,” I paused to take a deep breath because I was getting choked up, “I’m going to do whatever I can to make any reasonable wish he has come true to make him happy. He wished for me as his wife and now he has me. Don’t ask me to annul it because I’m not. So sorry there won’t be any marriage to Nathaniel. Sorry that his mother doesn’t want to talk to you. Sorry that you can’t plan your party anymore. I have to pack up some clothes to take over to his parents’ house where we’re going to live at and I hope, when the time comes, I can come back.”

  “Why are you living over there with him? Where is there anyway?” my mother asked.

  “His family lives six blocks south from here on Hampton Street. I’ll be living over there because that’s where my ailing husband feels comfortable and can have the attention of his mother for appointments and care when I’m not there.”

  “What are you going to do about school?” my dad asked.

  “I’m heading over there next week to see if I can get my money back since I won’t be attending this quarter. My attention is going to Theo. I’m still going to work and will actually have a few more hours added each week. I’m trying to be smart about everything considering the situation.”

  “When are you going to be working next?” my dad asked me.

  “On Monday.”

  “Come by and see me during your lunch.” He got up from the table since he was done with his food. “If being married to him is what you want and makes you happy, then I’m happy for you both. I got to get ready to go to work, but let me say this: I never did like Nathaniel.” He kissed me on my forehead and left.

  My mom took a sip of her coffee and sat down. She let out a big sigh and then said, “So tell me about the wedding.”

  I went to the doctor to get myself started on the pill to be safe than sorry. I went back to my parents’ house and packed a few things to take over to my new home. I wasn’t moving out completely but I wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t need to be coming over every other day to pick up things. Phaedra went with me to move my belongings. I introduced her to Theo and his family. I told them I would be back after I took my sister home.

  “I used to think that you were smart but now I think you’re an idiot,” she said when we got into the car.

  “What? Why are you saying that?”

  “Because I don’t get it. You were going to school, making your money, live in a nice, big house in comparison to that little shack and had a man who wanted to marry you that you could actually have a ten year anniversary with. You walked away from all of that for him? If he looked like Denzel Washington I would understand and might be a little jealous. And when did you start being cool with the swirl anyway?”

  “First of all, I’ve never had a problem with the swirl and you know that. I’ve never hidden that. He’s not the first vanilla mixed with my chocolate. I mean, really, we live in a city that’s 80% Hispanic so jungle fever is a possibility. But to be technical, it’s not really a swirl since he’s not too far from my own skin color. Second and most of all, even in the state he’s in, he’s more of a man than Nathaniel has ever been.” The neck rolling was in full effect. “I’m sorry if this has changed your view of me, but I’d rather let it all go to be with him than to continue living a facade as though I had it all. And I can admit that I was totally with the mentality that I would only marry a man that could provide and pay for stuff, but the person I’m in love with isn’t capable of doing that right now. Even though I know I can be high maintenance at times, if I want to be with him, I just can’t be that way.”

  She shook her head as we continued the ride to my parents’ home in silence. When I pulled into the driveway, she jumped out before I could put the car in park and ran into the house.

  The rest of the day went by with a few old classmates sporadically stopping by to check on the newlyweds and to see how Theo was feeling. A couple of them had said that they didn’t know what took me so long to be with him. The truth was that I had made it a practice to never assume that any boy liked me unless he or a close friend of his told me so. With Theo, even though I did like him, since he never came straight out and said anything I kept him in the friend category. Should I have assumed that he had genuine feelings for me in high school because of the things he did and said about the future? I didn’t know and wasn’t willing to make any assumptions.

  After dinner I could tell that he was getting drained of energy. The past couple of days had been quite busy and I was fatigued myself. I went and took a shower and went back to our room in my pajamas. He had changed into his old sweats and a t-shirt. When he saw me, he chuckled.

  “I never figured you to be someone to wear pajamas that had Garfield all over them. I thought you were more of a flowery type of person,” he said.

  “I have everything from Winnie the Pooh to the little, dainty flowers you’re talking about. All that matters is that the price is right, it fits and I’m comfortable.”

  When I got over to the bed where he was he took my hand and kissed it. “Mi esposa.”

  I replied, “Mi esposo. Usted nunca me habla en Español.” I told him he never talked to me in Spanish.

  “I’m too tired to even think in French,” he said. He took it for two years in high school but didn’t use it.

  “Well then let’s just speak in English so that we don’t have to think too hard. You like sleeping on this side of the bed, right?” I asked pointing to the left side. “You were always on this side when I would come over.”

  “It’s the side I like, but I don’t have to sleep there if you want it.”

  “Nope. That is just fine with me. I’m telling you now, I don’t remember the last time I slept in the same bed with another person so feel free to wake me up if I’m kicking you or something.”

  He nodded and then I noticed the bobbing action happening in his throat. I sat down next to him.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  He sighed. “I know that we’ve been married for three days and probably should have done what newlyweds normally do
by now… but I’m tired.”

  I smiled at him and put my hand on his cheek. “Sweetie, have you not realized yet that there’s nothing about our relationship that’s normal? There’s no rush for it to happen, but when it does, I’d like for us both to be able to enjoy it and have more stamina than we have right now. I wouldn’t want either one of us to force ourselves to do something we’re not in the mood for anyway.”

  “Do you really mean that or are you trying to make me feel better?”

  “Both. But we can still have a romantic night as tired newlyweds.”

  He looked bewildered. “How’s that?”

  “Do you feel like making out?” I made my eyebrows go up and down a few times.

  He laughed. “I guess I’m not too tired for that, but how is it going to be romantic?”

  I got up and went to the radio and found a station that I knew was playing slow jams for the rest of the night. I went to my bag and took out a nightlight and found a spot for it.

  “You sleep with a nightlight?” he asked.

  “In a strange place, you’d better believe it! I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night and have to go to the bathroom and be tripping over stuff. I’ll end up peeing on myself before I get there.”

  He laughed under his breath.

  I got under the covers and snuggled up next to him and entwined our legs. I liked being this close to him. He put his arm around me and said, “In ten minutes I’ve learned quite a bit about you. I can’t wait to see what I learn tomorrow.”

  I told him that I loved him and he said the same to me. I massaged his chin where the once beloved hair used to be as I softly sang along with the song that was on the radio, “Tender Love” by Force MDs. By the time the song was over the make out session had already started.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  The next morning I woke up before my husband had. I washed myself up and got dressed. I was in the mood for being in the kitchen. If I wasn’t at home alone when I was at my parents’ house, I used to make breakfast for everyone if I had the time. I went into the kitchen to see if I could locate what I needed to use to make a couple of things. Some things were low or weren’t in the cabinets so I went down the street to the nearest grocery store. When I came back Manny was in the living room watching cartoons.

  “Hey, Manny. How are you this morning?”

  “I’m still sleepy. And I’m hungry,” he answered.

  “I went to the store to pick up some things and so I’m going to make you breakfast. Do you like pancakes?”

  He nodded.

  “I’m going to make you some, okay?”

  As everyone began to rise in the morning, they all came into the kitchen to say good morning and to get a peek at what was to come and I told them breakfast would be done shortly. I made from scratch the number of pancakes everyone said they wanted plus three more just in case. When I told them to come to the table to eat, their eyes were big. I served sausage, scrambled eggs, hash brown patties and pancakes topped with assorted berries and whipped cream.

  “Does your family eat like this all of the time?” asked Mrs. Cabrera.

  “No, only when I am in one of my cooking moods,” I answered. “I woke up in one this morning. I hope you don’t mind me being in your kitchen. I don’t want to step on your toes.”

  “No,” said Mr. Cabrera with his mouth full. “You step on her feet as much as you want if it means getting breakfast like this.”

  “Well I hope everyone likes it,” I said as I sat next to Theo.

  Everyone nodded yes.

  “If it means that I don’t have to be in the kitchen, you have as much fun as you want,” said Mrs. Cabrera.

  “Oh, I am so glad that you said that because I wanted to make a carrot cake later. Is that a kind of cake everyone likes?”

  They all nodded yes. Theo grabbed my hand and kissed it but didn’t say anything because his mouth was full.

  It wasn’t until I put the cake in the oven a couple of hours later that I realized that we needed to have a talk. I had been trying my best to avoid having the conversation but now that I was his wife I felt that I was entitled to know. I hadn’t wanted to ask because I was pretty sure that, as usual, I would get emotional about the answers but it was time for my thirst for knowledge to be quenched. He was sitting at his desk with his glasses on reading a book.

  I came up behind him and started rubbing his shoulders. “What are you reading?”

  “It’s a geography book for a class that I had at Berkeley. I spent the money on it so I figure I might as well read some of it.” He sighed. “That feels good.” Just at that moment I stopped. “Why are you stopping?”

  “Can we talk for a few minutes?” I asked as I sat on the bed.

  “Yeah.” He put a pencil in his book to mark it and he closed it. I stopped him from taking off his glasses.

  “Leave them on. I always thought they made you look attractively intellectual.”

  He put the glasses back in place. “So what’s up? Is everything going okay?”

  I shook my head no while I answered, “Yeah.”

  He frowned. “Talk about your mixed signals.”

  I bit my lower lip.

  “Oh boy. This is going to be serious.” He moved the chair closer to me. “I’m starting to get nervous now. You don’t want to move out or get a divorce already, do you? Did I hit you in my sleep or something?”

  I shook my head no furiously. I didn’t want his heart rate to get too elevated over his guessing things like that. “No, none of that,” I calmly said. I took a deep breath. “There were things that I didn’t want to know because I was just a friend and didn’t want to be intrusive. But now that I’m your wife, I need to know. I was just in there thinking, here I am making this cake and I made a big breakfast this morning and I don’t even know if you have any dietary restrictions. I could be using something that could be detrimental to you and if something were to happen to you because of something I made, I would never be able to go into a kitchen and cook again. I just couldn’t.”

  “I do have restrictions. I don’t always follow them to the letter but you’re okay. I would have told you if I couldn’t have anything in the carrot cake. And breakfast looked so fancy and was so delicious that I wasn’t going to pass that up. I can’t remember the last time we had such a nice breakfast here. Is that all you wanted to talk about?”

  “No. I want to know what happened. You told me a little bit but I know there’s more. I want to know how you were diagnosed. I want to know what medication you’re taking. I want to know what you were told the last time you went to the doctor. I want to know what appointments you’re at when I’m at work. I want to know what we’re fighting against.”

  I saw the jumping apple in his throat. He answered saying so much, and it was so much to take in, that there’s just a blur in any attempt to remember every word. But he answered every single question. He teared up a few times and struggled to keep himself from sobbing. He showed me the several bottles of medicine he kept in his nightstand. He also pulled out some information he’d been given since being diagnosed to read if I wanted more information.

  When I heard the timer go off for the cake, I kissed him on top of his head, looked him in the eyes and said, “Thank you.”

  I had spent that evening reading through the information that he had. His form of cancer was referenced a couple of times as a rare cancer to have. I had asked myself how it was that a rare cancer would come upon him out of all people, but the answer was clear. He was a rare person himself. I read of all of the symptoms that were involved, some of which I had already heard about from him, and tried to commit the serious life threatening ones to memory by reading them over and over. It broke my heart to know that he had experienced pain and life changes all because of his heart and that, in the end, it would betray him.

  That night I told Theo that I wanted him to come up with a list of places he’s always wanted to go and things he always wanted to do
that could have a possibility of actually happening. I had to tell him that going to France was not an option or climbing Mount Everest. I reminded him that we were on a Kool-Aid budget so champagne dreams might not come true. While we didn’t know necessarily how long he had left, based off of my mother’s theory, it was less than six months and I wanted to do what I could to make sure that before he had died that he had lived.

  CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT

  I went to work the next day and went to my dad’s office at the fire station during my lunch time. He had already bought me a submarine sandwich, chips and soda and had them waiting for me since he knew my time was short. He had told me how he was sad that he didn’t have more time to prepare for me to get married but he understood the reason. He was also glad that I hadn’t married Nathaniel because he didn’t think that he was good enough for me, which he had expressed to me before.

  Since my parents were friends with Nathaniel’s family, my father knew who he was already. It wasn’t that he disliked him. He just didn’t like him for me. My father also disproved the theory that there would never be anyone good enough for his daughter because, soon after Nathaniel and I let it be known that we were a couple, he occasionally brought other guys around.

  There was this one boy at school who had a major crush on me. His name was Keith and he was a tad younger than me, which had him on the “we will never be more than friends” list. I had dated an underclassman briefly after I ended things with Puppy and the immaturity level was way too much for me to handle. From that point on, babies didn’t have a chance with me. Keith was a nice, smart, young man with a quirky personality. He was always quite sweet to me and wasn’t hard on the eyes. He did, however, start to have stalker-like tendencies and seemed to always be everywhere that I was. I never understood how in the world he was able to meet my parents to have his name in the Rolodex.

  We had been having computer problems on the family computer and I told my dad that I would ask Nathaniel to come look at it since he had a part time job doing computer repair. Since he was busy, Nathaniel said it would take him a couple of days before he could stop by. After I told that to my father, the next day I walked into the house to see Keith at the computer with my father next to him asking fifty questions. My dad wouldn’t allow me to leave the room. After the computer was repaired, my dad offered Keith to stay for dinner, which he did. When Keith had left, my dad commented on how nice of a young man he was and how a certain person looked to have competition. He made me fully aware that he was on Keith’s side all the way. My actions showed that I could care less. Then there was a young plumber that came to the house and a water delivery guy.