I Don't Want to Lose You Read online

  That year would be different from junior year because I didn’t have my on and off again boyfriend around as a distraction. Nathaniel graduated and was attending UCLA. I was dating a college man. Some of my female classmates thought that was so cool, well, with the exception of the two who had already gotten married to men almost five to seven years their senior.

  There were moments when I questioned why Nathaniel and I were still together because he didn’t seem to appreciate me, or respect me for that matter. At the time of his asking, there weren’t any other bidders. Not to mention he seemed like he could possibly meet my parents’ approval. Nathaniel was able to get a football scholarship because of his skills as a linebacker. He already had broad shoulders and could look downright scary in his football uniform. He was smart, funny and knew how to handle my mouth, which a lot of males had been incapable of doing. Through conversation with a handful of my male classmates during my junior year, I discovered that they all thought that I was a very sweet girl but quite intimidating. There was at least one that didn’t mind.

  That year my two closest female friends were Brenda and Sonya. Brenda was an average built, average looking, shy girl with curly, black hair that highly underestimated her potential to be more than a bookworm. Sonya was different. She was a skinny, green eyed, olive skinned girl that dressed in jeans and a t-shirt every day unaware of how beautiful she was but fully aware of her intelligence. Then there was me, the Black girl, to round it all out.

  It was the end of August 1997 and I was in the gym getting my identification card before school was to start when Brenda walked over to Sonya and me with haste.

  “Have you seen Teodoro yet?” she asked excitedly.

  “No. Should we?” I asked.

  She answered pointing at me. “I just saw him a few minutes ago and he’s looking for you. He’s changed over the summer.”

  “Where is he? Did he gain a hundred pounds or something?” I asked.

  She shook her head while giggling. “He’s coming. You’ll see.”

  Sonya and I turned our attention to the door to make sure we didn’t miss when he came in.

  I know the way my brain chooses to recall the second he walked through the door is highly exaggerated and is how the movies would portray it. Ralph walked in first and then stepped in Theo. It was as though time was moving slowly so that I could taste every individual drop of the drink that was Teodoro Cabrera as a light brightly shone behind him while “Bad to the Bone” was playing. He strutted in with Harley Davidson motorcycle boots on his feet, nicely fitted jeans, if I could say so myself, a white t-shirt and a Harley Davidson denim jacket. His hair was shaved close on the sides but the top was slicked back. He had on reflective sunglasses that showed what he was looking at but you couldn’t see his eyes. Suddenly it was as if a gust of wind made his jacket open up to display that he added about twenty pounds to himself in the right areas. He let a thin layer of facial hair grow around the edges and he had a goatee. I could hardly catch my breath but managed to get the words “Oh, Dios mio” out of my mouth. Over the summer he went from being kind of cute to wanna be bad boy. He exuded a level of coolness that I would have previously thought was unattainable for him.

  They both stopped in front of me and my girls. I tried quite hard to make sure that I wasn’t drooling or leaving my jaw on the ground because he looked delicious.

  “Hey, ladies,” Theo said to Sonya and Brenda. He turned to me and grabbed my hand and kissed the top of it. “Ma cherie.”

  I wryly said, “You making up names for me now? It’s Monica, remember?”

  He let go of my hand. He smiled as he took off his sunglasses. “I missed you.”

  “Really? You didn’t call.”

  “You’ve never given me a legit number to call, Jenny.”

  I was in such disbelief that he remembered the fake numbers that I had given him six years before that I literally stopped breathing and my eyes got wide. I bit my bottom lip.

  He turned to Ralph and asked, “Isn’t she cute when she blushes?” Ralph just smiled, enjoying the show his friend was putting on. He put his arm around my shoulders and asked, “What do you think of my new look?”

  I didn’t know what to say. What was I to speak, my first thoughts or my second? My second thought was, “Why do you have on motorcycle boots if you don’t have a motorcycle?” But I decided that might be a little rude. I opted to speak my first thought.

  “Theo, dude, you look good.” I said coolly.

  “Really?” he asked, surprised that a smart-alecky reply hadn’t been made.

  “Yeah. You put on a little weight,” I said as I tickled his belly. “My inner motorcycle chick loves Harley Davidson. I’m totally digging the boots and the jacket.” I turned to face him and rubbed the right shaved side of his hair. It still felt like a teddy bear and I smiled. I massaged my thumb through his facial hair and could literally feel the bravado weaken with every circular motion, which made me keep doing it. I went from his left cheek to his goatee, to above his top lip and then I stopped. I leaned towards his ear and whispered sensually, “Who’s blushing now?” I stepped back to stand next to my girls and gave him a look with a raised eyebrow and a devilish smirk.

  I looked at his neck and saw that he was taking a hard swallow. He then cleared his throat and said that they would see us later. Ralph gave him a bewildered look, but he said goodbye and walked away with him. Had I known any better I would have thought that more was supposed to happen but the plan was thwarted somehow.

  CHAPTER SIX

  One day after convening a National Honor Society meeting, a few of us weren’t in the mood for going home right after it was adjourned. Sonya, Brenda, Ralph, Theo and I were just standing around talking about teachers and assignments. At some point in the conversation Theo’s arm made its way around my shoulders. A couple of other classmates joined us and we had a literal circle of friends so that everyone could see everyone else. But no one saw what was about to happen.

  Suddenly Theo was making a choking sound and was squeezing my shoulder with his hand. Then I heard a familiar voice say, “Get your arm off of her.”

  Theo removed his arm as directed and everyone else stepped back as I turned around to see Nathaniel. Once he saw the arm was gone he let his grip on Theo’s neck go. Theo began coughing to catch his breath.

  “Nathaniel, what did you do that for?” I went over to Theo and rubbed his back and asked if he was okay. He nodded yes. I looked at Nathaniel. “What are you doing here anyway?”

  “I needed to talk to an old teacher about something and here I find some guy with his arm around my girlfriend.” He looked at Theo. “If I find out you’ve touched her again, I’m going to hurt you.”

  “No, he’s not,” I said to Theo. “Are you okay?” He nodded still trying to get air.

  “Come on, I’ll take you home,” Nathaniel stated. I told everyone goodbye while prepping myself for the argument that was about to happen. And once again, we were off but on again when he called the next morning to apologize profusely for being jealous.

  The next morning there was only one person that I was trying to find so that I could apologize. I found him standing outside of our first period class looking different.

  “When did you start wearing glasses?” I asked him.

  He shrugged. “It’s been a couple of weeks.”

  “Then why haven’t I seen them on you?” He didn’t say anything, which told me enough. The glasses didn’t go with the new image he had been working so hard to have. “They look really nice on you. You chose a nice pair.” They were round with a thin silver frame.

  “Thanks.”

  “Look, Teodoro, I am so sorry about what Nathaniel did yesterday. It was uncalled for and unattractively brutish.”

  “Wait. Are you upset with me or something?”

  Confused, I answered, “No. Should I be?”

  “You called me by my name. You never do that. The one time you did it I think you were mad at
me.”

  I had never paid attention to the fact that I didn’t call him by his given name like everyone else. I nodded to let him know that I got his point.

  “I told you yesterday it was okay,” he said. “Stop apologizing for him. Even though I think you’re too good for him, I understand why he did it. If you were my girl, I’d do the same thing.” He took my hand and kissed the top of it. He continued, “My darling, he’s just an ogre that has to be outsmarted to get to the princess.”

  I chuckled and shook my head. “You’re a piece of work, Theo.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  I was working on a last minute article for the school newspaper to try to fill up some space with actual substance and decided that having a picture with it would allow for my brain to not think so hard for more words to keep the readers’ attention. The problem was that the photographer was absent from school that day. My journalism teacher suggested that I go to the photography class next door and ask if I could have someone come with me quickly to get the shot that I needed and so I did.

  The class appeared to be half empty with only a handful of students sitting at their desks going through pictures they had just developed while others were in the dark room. I asked the teacher if I could borrow a student and he told me to choose who I wanted. I looked around at the slim pickings, which included Ralph and Theo. I took my job as editor of the newspaper quite seriously and wanted to make sure that the picture was up to par with the standards that I had. I had seen the work of both of them and knew that I wanted Ralph to take the picture.

  The teacher called Ralph over and told him to get his camera and to come with me. The teacher asked me if Ralph was all I needed. I looked back and saw Theo sitting there with his hands in prayer form quietly begging me to take him with us. I didn’t know what purpose he would serve but I told the teacher I would take him As well. The teacher gave us a pass and let us be on our way.

  We walked out of the room and I began telling Ralph what I wanted a picture of and the vision that I had in my head while Theo walked behind us. Ralph understood and we all continued to walk to the location. I had slowly realized that I was walking in the front and Ralph had found his way back to Theo and they were talking quietly amongst themselves. Soon after, Ralph came up to me.

  “Hey, let me take a couple of test shots,” Ralph said. “I’ll get one with you and Theo.”

  Suddenly Theo was right next to me smiling and I smiled back. I thought it was a waste of time because I needed to get this checked off of my to-do list but I conceded. Ralph stood a few feet away and got his camera ready. Theo put his arm around my shoulder and I put mine around his waist and we smiled. Ralph counted to three. Click. The picture was taken.

  Ralph said, “Another one.”

  Theo got behind me and wrapped his arms my waist. “This feels nice,” he said in my ear as he put his chin on my shoulder. I put my arms over his, as it felt like the natural thing to do and it did feel nice.

  Ralph counted down from three to one. On one, Theo’s head turned and I felt his lips kiss my cheek. Click. My eyes suddenly bulged and my jaw dropped and I removed his arms.

  “What was that, Theo?” I asked angrily. If Nathaniel had found out about his lips even touching me, Theo would have been beaten to a pulp. I looked around to make sure no one witnessed it. There were a few unrecognizable students walking on the second floor of another building so I had to hope they didn’t see what had just happened.

  Theo gave a toothy smile and said, “Let’s go get your shot.”

  I walked over to Ralph and demanded, “I want those pictures.” I had completely forgotten that he was capable of giving me pictures and developing more copies, but it didn’t matter. After he got the shots I needed, I didn’t get anything other than just that.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  It had been a long week at school and I was glad it was winding down and the weekend was within reach. One of the writers for the school paper did her assignment horribly and I had to pretty much re-write the whole thing, but I was able to get it all to go to press. Not to mention senior events were happening around campus and I probably did one thing too many, including wrapping up a fundraiser for the Honor Society. I found a grassy spot under a tree near the classrooms, laid my sweater down to prevent grass stains on my shorts and sat down. I closed my eyes and blocked out all of the noise of every one who was having lunch and their conversations and focused on trying to have some inner peace. I had one more test to take and I had been stressing out studying for it. It was nice to just have a moment alone. And that was all I had.

  “There you are,” Theo said as he sat down next to me.

  “Here I am,” I said with a little bit of resentment for the intrusion.

  “You’ve had a busy week. It seems like every time I turned my head you were doing something.”

  “Yeah. I’m going to sleep well this weekend. How are you doing, Mr. Vice President? I kept hearing Brenda say that she had Student Body meetings.” Brenda was the Treasurer.

  He shook his head. “These meetings have been ridiculous. All it seems like we’ve been doing is going over what we’re going to do the next day when we discussed all of this last week.” I could hear the irritation in his voice. He covered his face with his hands and shook his head. “I tell you, if I didn’t want to be the youngest Governor of California in history, I would stop bothering with politics right now. Dealing with adults has to be much better than dealing with these people who don’t take it seriously and like to waste time.”

  “Because you’re a man of action, huh?”

  “That’s right!”

  I chuckled as he proceeded to get himself overly comfortable by laying on the grass and putting his head on my thigh. He reached for my hand and kissed it and placed it right on his face. I contemplated leaving my hand sitting there lifeless because of the audacity he had to think that I was supposed to do this when he wanted me to. But the softness of the hair on his sideburns called out to my fingers and so I gently massaged the edges of his face. Content that I was no longer going to be stubborn, he closed his eyes and let out a sigh.

  “I’m so glad you like my facial hair. You have no idea how much this calms me.”

  “I think I do,” I said. Quite often he would find me to do nothing but this.

  “You know, I’m going to need you to do this even when I’m governor,” he said in matter of fact way. “We can sit on the lawn at the mansion just like this. I’ll be stressing out over budgets and new laws. This will be nice to come home to after a long, hard day of work.”

  Say what? I stopped rubbing his face and he opened his eyes and turned his head to face me. “Did I miss a memo or something with this news on it?” I asked.

  He gave a wide smile and replied, “I thought you knew that I could see into the future?”

  I shook my head. “All this time and I never knew.”

  “I can tell you more if you want.”

  “Please, educate me. So I will be a government employee with the sole job of rubbing your face? That’s all I’m good for?” I asked defensively. I was getting a little ticked off thinking he thought that was the only thing that I could do.

  “No, you’ll be my wife.” He cleared his throat. “Well, as I said, I’ll be the youngest governor in California’s history.”

  “Yeah, I got that part, but I missed how I’m there since I don’t want a life in politics and how I’ll be your wife,” I interrupted.

  “But I’ll need you. You’re a strong, smart woman who can control a room just by her presence and you can handle power without it going to your head. Think of all the changes for the good you could make on your own as the State’s First Lady. I don’t need a woman to stand behind me to support me. I need a woman who will stand right next to me and make progress with me. You’re the only woman I know who can do that.”

  I didn’t know what to say as I never knew he thought so highly of me and my future potential. What struck me most was t
hat he never took his eyes away from mine while saying it as though he truly believed in every word he had just said. What a good politician!

  He turned back to a comfortable position and placed my hand on his face so that I could resume soothing him.

  “Shall I go on?” he asked.

  “By all means.”

  “We’ll have two girls.”

  I removed my hand from his face. “Wait a second. I don’t want daughters. I already have a little sister and rather deal with boys.”

  “I have a little brother and rather deal with girls.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “I don’t want two girls so I guess this little fantasy of yours is over.”

  “How about a compromise? A boy and a girl.”

  I huffed, rolled my eyes and uncrossed my arms. “Whatever.”

  Why did I get so bothered over this? It wasn’t as though it was going to happen. I had a boyfriend, I guess. At that moment we had been off for about a week. I resumed my duties on his face.

  “We can name the boy after me and you can name the girl whatever you want.”

  “A junior? No, I don’t think so. I don’t believe in that. I think it takes away a child’s ability to be an individual and not have to be in someone’s shadow. I’m all about a person having their own identity.”

  He moved my hand from his face and turned to look at me. “Am I bad shadow to be in?”

  I thought about it for a moment. No, he wasn’t. He had a good heart and any young man would only be a better man to be like him. “No, you’re not.” I looked at my watch and noticed lunch was almost over. “We’d better get up. The bell is going to ring soon.” As we started gathering our stuff I asked, “You failed to tell me in your vision when these things are going to happen?”

  “It’ll be after I have my degree and I’ll be a councilman or something by then. I’ll come back to get you.”