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I Don't Want to Lose You Page 2
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“Crazy is what I’m going to call you,” he had the nerve to reply.
“No, crazy is me pulling my Lysol out of my bag and going to town on your face. What’s up?” I threw my arms up to let him know that we could do this right here, right now.
Tracy leaned over. “Girl, what’s wrong with you?”
“He’s on my list.”
“Teodoro, will you please get off of her list so we can get this work done?” she asked him.
“I don’t know what list she’s even talking about,” he replied defensively confused.
I pointed two fingers at my eyes and then back to him to let him know that I had my eyes on him.
“Will you do something to get off of the list?” an irritated Liliana asked him.
He shook his head oblivious to the list. I just stared at him with nostrils flaring like a bull that’s been cooped up too long that was ready to attack. “Fine. Monica, I don’t know what I did to get on your list but I’m sorry. And if you want to, you can call me Theo.”
All eyes turned back to me to see if the crisis had been averted. I took the ring off of my right hand and put it back on the left. I wiped the Vaseline off of my face and took my hair out of the ponytail. I grabbed my hoops and put them back into my ears and picked up my pencil. “So how are we going to work these problems out as a group?” I asked.
There was almost a collective sigh between my three classmates. We could now get back to business.
Tracy said, “I’ll do number one. Liliana, you can do two. Monica, three is yours and Theo, you can do four.”
“It’s Teodoro,” he said to her.
I smiled as I looked at my problem. In my peripheral vision I could see he wasn’t working on his. I glanced up at him and he just stared at me with a smirk on his face.
CHAPTER THREE
It was a week before I was supposed to start my sophomore year of high school and it was the day they wanted all tenth graders to come to the school to take care of our school identification and to get our class schedule. Nothing eventful happened over the summer and I was eager to see my classmates again. I put on a nice outfit but tried to make sure it wasn’t too showy. For the last three years I had been getting called “rich girl” because of how nice my clothes were. While I didn’t necessarily live in the hood as far as my neighborhood was concerned, I still lived in the hood. Even though the high school was literally a six minute walk away, I had to be careful. I tried not to dress too nice because I didn’t want to get jumped for what I had on and find myself walking home shoeless, shirtless or less something else needed to not be arrested for indecent exposure.
When I walked through the prison gates of the school, I immediately saw Oscar standing nearby and he started walking towards me. Everyone called him “Puppy,” but I never knew the history behind it. He was cute in his own way. He was stocky but his wavy, dark hair and deep dimples were a nice distraction with his darker skin from his Honduran background. Until we had math class in ninth grade, we didn’t know each other very well. I just knew him as a comedian among his friends. But we had the misfortune of having a math teacher who was there to collect the pay more than to teach and so that allowed us plenty of time to get to know each other for me to see there was more to him than being the funny guy.
“Buenas dias,” he greeted me.
“Hola, Oscar. Como esta?” I replied in Spanish. I had taken Spanish I in ninth grade.
“Buen, buen. Y tu?”
“Eso es lo que hay,” I replied meaning “It is what it is.”
“Do you know where to go for your picture and schedule?” he asked. The school was trying out a new way to do this before the first day of school. In the past, the schedule was mailed and the ID picture was taken sometime during the first week of school.
“No, but I’m sure I can find it. I’m in no hurry.”
He started walking in front of me. “Come on, I’ll walk you.”
We made our way to the gym, which was where I thought I needed to go, but Oscar obviously thought I needed an escort. We stopped a few times for me to hug classmates and ask them about their summer. When we got to the gym, we broke off because others were taking my attention and I didn’t think he needed it.
After I got my identification card and stood in line for my schedule, I decided that I would go back home. I was hungry. As I was walking out of the prison gates to freedom, Theo rushed up to my side.
“Hey, Theo.” I had to do a double take. He had a crew cut. “Theo?”
“Yeah, I chopped it off.”
“It looks cool. It looks spiky.” Sounding like a little girl asking to pet a bunny, I asked, “Can I touch it?”
“Go ahead.”
“Boing, boing, boing,” I said as I let my hand bounce up and down on top of his hard hair. “Cool.” I moved my hand to the side of his hair to feel the softness of it. It felt like rubbing on a teddy bear. “That feels so soft. I like it. I could do this all day.” I started walking again and he walked with me.
“So how was your summer?” he asked.
“It was okay. I spent most of it reading books and watching television. Nothing exciting to report. And yours?”
“It was all right. I hung out with my friends and practiced a lot with my band.”
“You got a band? Who’s in it? What’s it called?”
“I’m on guitar. Ralph doubles on bass and guitar. Puppy plays guitar. Jonas is on keyboards and Edgar is on drums. We haven’t agreed on a name yet.”
“That’s cool. Hard rock?”
“Pretty much. We do some soft rock, too. Nothing of our own yet, but we just started.”
“You got to start somewhere.”
“Yeah.” There was a long pause before he spoke again. “You know, you’re name came up quite a few times over the summer.”
“Really? All good I hope.”
“Of course. There’s someone who’s planning to ask you to be his girlfriend if you aren’t with someone now.”
I wondered who in the world in his circle of friends would be interested in me. “I’m not with anyone, but who are we talking about?”
“Puppy.”
Puppy? “Are you serious?” I asked. My eyes popped out from surprise, although there was a little disappointment.
“Yeah, he really likes you. He’s nervous about asking you because he’s never had a girlfriend and he’s afraid you’ll say no.”
Puppy? I had never thought of him in that way and I was shocked that he thought of me that way. Then my mind flashed back to something that happened freshman year. I had a crush on a boy named Guillermo and I knew he had no experience with a girl liking him ever before because he was a total bookworm and, to be frank, a nerd. I went to a mutual friend, Octavio, to help run interference and see if there was any possible interest there. This “friend” scared Guillermo away from me and then confessed adoration for me. That’s when I realized that these dumb boys were becoming half-witted young men.
Theo continued, “He’s scared, but he’s a great guy. And you know he’s funny. He thinks you’re pretty and smart and easy to talk to.”
I stopped walking and looked him in his eyes as I stepped closer to him and totally invaded his personal space. “Is he the only one that thinks that?”
Standing in front of him, my eyes were level with his Adam’s apple. I could see it in his neck go up and down as he took a hard swallow. After a moment he answered, “No, he’s not.” He looked away and continued. “He’s my friend and…but-” he trailed off.
I thought I knew what he wanted to say, but couldn’t let come out. I even had mixed thoughts and feelings as well, not believing my own audacity to ask that question and get in his face to confront him, but knowing the games boys were starting play I had to ask. One part of me wanted to tell him that he was a good friend to Puppy. The other part of me wanted to shake him to his senses to grow some cojones. But since he was unable to finish saying how he felt, I refused to assume anything more. I w
ould only go with what was concrete. The only thing solid was that Puppy liked me according to him.
“He can ask me. I won’t say no,” I said calmly and evenly. A look of relief washed over his face because he did duty as his friend and didn’t have to betray him for his own selfish gain. “It should be said, though, that the person that feels that way about me should be the one walking me home.” His face fell. “I can get home by myself the rest of the way. I’ll see you when school starts.” I walked the rest of the way home alone.
Two days into my sophomore year Puppy asked me if I “would be romantically inclined” with him. I prayed to God that my yes meant that I was agreeing to be his girlfriend. I’m not sure why I even said yes in the first place. The feelings Puppy had for me weren’t shared. Less than two weeks later, I tired of the incompatibility and constant comedic lifestyle and broke his heart with the “F” word before he even had his first kiss, or mine for that matter.
One day while waiting for Geometry class to start I heard a few of the guys talking about trying out for the football team. I turned to a few of my female classmates and got on my soapbox.
“I think a girl should try out for the football team. In the history of this school there has not been a girl on the football team,” I stated. “I think I’m going to do it.”
Theo removed himself from the conversation with the guys and got into mine, as his desk was in the row next to mine. “You can’t try out for the football team.”
“And why not? Because I’m a girl? The last time I checked it wasn’t called the boy’s football team, just football,” I said. “And if the coach refuses to let me try out because I‘m a female, then that’s sexism and this school nor this district wants me to bring my wrath upon it for telling me that I can’t try out. It is one thing if I’m not any good and I don’t make the team. It’s another thing if I’m not allowed to try out because of my anatomy.”
The girls were rooting me on by saying, “That’s right,” and “You tell him, girl.”
Theo responded, “But you don’t want to hurt your lady parts and not be able to have babies in the future.”
“Then it’s a good thing I don’t want to have children anyway. Not to mention I don’t have anything right here,” I said pointing below my groin. “You guys do. If anyone needs to be concerned about not having babies in the future it would be you guys. Oh, wait. You already are. That’s why you wear cups and jock straps and mess. You guys have the stuff dang-a-langing between your legs. I can play freely.” I smiled because of making my point.
“No guys are going to want to play with you,” he tried to argue.
I shook my head. “You need to give up because you’re obviously not thinking this through. There should be no reason why a guy on my team shouldn’t want to play with me if I’m any good, which I know I’m not because I’ve never played the game before in my life. But that’s not the point. If the opposing team has a problem with playing against a girl, wouldn’t that be to our team’s benefit? Think of all the forfeitures or the goals that would be made because they don’t want to hit a girl.”
The girls kept egging me on until the bell rang. I leaned over and asked him, “Is there anything else you have to say?”
He said, “I just wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”
I replied, “I appreciate your concern, but you let me worry about what happens to my body.”
He looked me up and down with an unfamiliar expression that startled me and then turned to face the front. Class started.
CHAPTER FOUR
Since freshman year I had heard Octavio always talk about how good the tennis team was and I should go to see a match. There had been a handful of times I went to the local park to play tennis with him. It was something that I used to do with my father when I was younger and I was a bit rusty. Being able to play against someone who just wanted to practice and didn’t judge me for the little bit of skill that I had was refreshing. Finally in my junior year I decided to take him up on coming to a match since it would be at a local park that I could walk to and I wasn’t doing anything that afternoon.
I sat on the side watching Octavio at his best and came to the realization that he had been extremely kind when playing against me. Then Theo stepped up to play in a game of doubles. He was really good and every time that he hit the ball with all of his strength, he made a loud grunting noise. While everyone was watching the ball go back and forth, I was watching him. His partner had hit the ball over and the opposing team responded. The ball came Theo’s way and he immediately responded with such force and speed that the opposition couldn’t get to the ball fast enough to hit it. Another point for Southwood.
The crowd applauded and I yelled, “Yay Theo.”
He turned, quickly found me in the crowd and went back to playing. He knew it was me because no one else called him Theo. From that point on he tried to play as well as he could, but it was obvious that his intensity was no longer the same. The grunting discontinued. I then realized that I had cursed him.
The curse of my presence, that’s what it was. I had just started dating a senior named Nathaniel who was on the football team. When we had been talking to get to know each other better to figure out if we would be a good match, I came to the football games to support him. Statistics started to be taken shortly after. It seemed that when I was at the games, he played worse; the team scored less and lost more. When I wasn’t there, he was able to concentrate on the field and he played at his best; the team made more touchdowns and won more often. It had stunk to be asked to not come to the homecoming game, and this was by the coach who was also my English teacher. I went anyway and they lost.
I guessed that this would be the last tennis match that I would come to as long as Theo was on the team, and it was.
I was walking by myself towards my locker at lunch when I saw Theo a few lockers over from it talking to some girl. He looked relaxed as he was leaning on the lockers. I stopped walking and just watched them. I didn’t know the girl and she was sort of pretty, but wasn’t on the same level as me as far as I was concerned. By her facial expression, I could tell that she was flirting with him and his posture told me that he was soaking it up.
I checked her out to see what he saw in her. She was skinny, so I hated her off the bat. She fell into what I called the “toothpick” category, straight up and down, while I was out at the top, in at the waist and out again at the hips. I had melons, she had kiwis. She was dressed in obvious swap meet clothes while I was in a JC Penneys outfit. My manicure cost more than her whole outfit. Maybe that’s why they called me “rich girl.” What these people were too narrow-minded to realize was that I was a perpetrator. I didn’t have money, my parents did and they weren’t rich either. Rich people didn’t go to school or live in Southwood and they shopped on Rodeo Drive.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw him stand up straight, smile at her and then turn his head to notice me looking at him with disbelief. He looked at me long enough to make her wonder what took his attention away from her and she followed his eyes.
I walked over to my locker to get my books out. He turned his head back to the girl and kept talking, low enough for me not to hear. While I told myself that I wanted to quietly close my locker, a loud slam brought me quite a few people’s attention. The girl walked by me and looked me up and down while she did. I gave her the one eyebrow up, tight lipped look that said clearly, “Who do you think you are?” And it came with a complimentary eye roll.
He turned around and asked, “So what did you write about for your tall tale short story for Coach’s class?”
I could only glare at him, not sure if I was, dare I say, jealous. I was spoken for and there wasn’t a need for me to be. I had a hard time understanding what was going on inside of me.
“Hello?” he said, waiting for an answer.
“I’m sorry, Teodoro. I wrote about a pig,” I answered, which was true. I walked away switching, because I was sure he was looking, but
I didn’t dare turn around to check.
When I saw them by my locker talking again, I didn’t say or do anything, even after she left and he tried to speak to me. The day after that, I ignored them again. The following morning after I read my short story to the class, a note was passed over to me. I opened it and read, “I liked your story. It was funny. Good job. Theo.” His name was underlined three times. I turned my head and saw him watching me. I mouthed the words “thank you.”
When I went to my locker again at lunch, Theo wasn’t there but the girl was. By the look she was giving me this time, I believe that, if she thought that she had a chance at winning she would have tried to beat me up. That night, I gave myself a lecture about how unbecoming my behavior was and how my assumption that Theo ever had any type of feelings for me in the past or present was making me act unladylike. It was unacceptably unattractive and I was determined to behave as though none of that locker stuff ever occurred.
The next day in class, I said hello to everyone as I passed them to get to my seat. After greeting Theo, he said, “So you’re talking to me again?”
I put a dumbfounded look upon my face and replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He stared at me while shaking his head as I continued on to my seat.
PART TWO
Senior Year-Class of 1998
CHAPTER FIVE
Senior year was like a blur from the beginning to the end. I knew it happened because I was there in the classes and at home writing papers and studying. I did it all while I was the Editor-in-Chief of the school newspaper and National Honor Society President. I remember planning fundraisers and working on them while trying to cover stories for the bi-weekly school paper. I had to apply to colleges and try to get some scholarship money. Something changed in me early on that year. I became more driven, more focused and more determined to get everything that was a goal accomplished. There was no room for failure. Failure wasn’t even a word in my vocabulary. I think my newly formed attitude suddenly served as a pheromone.